I've been thinking a lot about resentments lately - the ones that are very strong and in the forefront of your mind, as well as the other quieter and more subtle ones - and I'm not sure which are worse.
The strong ones are loud, in your face, and impossible to ignore, because they are obvious: the guy who cut you off in traffic or the “friend” who derides you behind your back. They pull you out of the productive, positive place you strive to live in and demand your attention. Try as you might, you can’t get them out of your head, and they will drive you crazy if you let them.
But at least you know what is leading you down that unhappy road.
Subtle resentments are way more insidious. They frequently arise from instances where you feel something that you think you shouldn’t feel. You doubt that your thoughts and feelings are valid, because someone else disagreed with them or violated them. Things you were told by an adult when you were a child or offhand comments made by someone you admire can be absorbed and, left unexamined, begin to cause confusion. This confusion slowly settles into your psyche. Undetected, it begins to suck the joy out of your being, like leeches. The “truths” that were thrust upon you by people who “know more” or are “wiser” than you masquerade as your own actual truths. They survive in your heart and mind until they become indecipherable from truths that derive from the authentic you. You may not even know that they exist or that they are weighing you down.
It's like a pilot who is trying to fly an airplane. He has checked the weight of the passengers and luggage, he knows the thrust of the engines and the specs of the wings. Your hidden resentments are like extra weight that the pilot knows nothing about. He starts heading down the runway, full speed ahead, faster, and faster. But as he approaches the end of the runway, he's not becoming airborne. What's going on? Why isn't he taking off? And now it's too late to try to change his trajectory. That extra weight causes him to crash and burn, just like those hidden resentments cause you to crash and burn.
One day you look in the mirror and say “Just what the hell DO you believe, anyway? It’s a loud, confused chaos that exists behind those eyes, and I have no idea how things got so fucked up in there”
That's why it's so important to constantly monitor your true intentions, constantly search inside for how you truly feel, measure your gut reactions to see if something that is NOT borne of your true self is driving you to act out in certain ways. How do YOU feel about events in and around your life? What do YOU want to offer to those who you interact with? What is the TRUE self that you want to grace your world with?
Don’t let the sticky residue of past resentments influence the healthy, loving soul that yearns to be happy, that DESERVES to be happy. Subtle resentments are like the dirt on your hands from working in the garden all day. They won't leave you until you make a conscious effort to be free of them.
It is crucial to your sanity to keep taking personal inventory. Resentments have a very long lifespan, and they will hide for years if you let them. They will bring you down if left unchecked. Never stop asking yourself what are your motivations for acting, doing, thinking, saying...for BEING. You are your own highest authority for what is best for you. You are your own best guide to your path in your life. Let go of the resentments. Be influenced by the love that surrounds you, the light that resides within you, and the infinite possibilities that lie in wait for you.